Finding His Way
by CassieCastle47
Summary: Castle returns to his roots to cope with hard times.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Fair warning before you guys even start reading: if the topic of religion offends you, stop right here. I know the show has never addressed the role of any religion of any kind in the characters' lives, but my own (Christian) faith plays a major role in my life, and I was challenged by a very special person in my life to express that through my fanfiction. I just wanted you to know before you read it. Thanks! Love you, mean it. **

Sick. She was sick.

That vile word pounded through him, pulsing through his veins with the beat of his heart. The heart that had long-since belonged to her, beating steadily inside his chest as if nothing were wrong.

The diagnosis was Cruetzfeldt-Jakob's Disease, a vicious and rare form of brain cancer. The doctors said she had two months.

Two months. Two months. Two months.

The phrase joined in the pulsing.

Sick. Two months. Sick. Two months. Sick. Two months. Dead.

She was going to die.

He felt bad for leaving her, but he also knew that she needed the time with her father, who was with her now. When he'd left, she had kissed him goodbye and then hugged him, whispering in his ear.

"Go. I'll be okay for a little while, I promise."

He found himself in the church. Castle hadn't gone to church in decades, and even now wasn't sure what exactly he believed. But he knew that, right now, he needed God. If what he'd been told in Sunday school was still true, God would still be there for him, no matter what he'd done in his last thirty years.

The church was huge. Stained glass windows made sunlight dance in the cavernous sanctuary. Castle's footsteps slowed naturally as he entered the sacred space. The building itself was beautiful, and there was an undinably spiritual feeling that accompanied being there. As Castle sat down in a pew about halfway down, he drew in a breath. He hesitated then.

Here he was, sitting in a church, ready to seek God, needing that reassurance that his teachers had long ago spoken of now more than ever.

Yet, he had no idea where to begin. How does one begin to pray after thirty years?

The words of , who taught Rick's Sunday School class, came back to him in that moment.

_"Just talk to God. He's always there to listen."_

So he took a breath and began to talk to God.

"I guess it's been a while," he began. "I know I should've been at this for a long time, but I guess I just forgot how important it is. Now, I realize I can't do this by myself." He paused. "I know I'm going to lose her, and maybe knowing that is what makes me realize I need Your help. All those times in the past few years when I could've lost her, I could do something about it. I could at least try. Now I know I can't. There isn't anything I can do to stop this from happening, and that kills me." He stopped again, glancing up at the stained glass windows. "She came into my life and she made me a better man. She made me better than I ever thought I could be, and I don't have any idea where I would be right now if not for her, or where my daughter, or my mother, would be. I don't know where we'll be when she's gone." Memories of Kate were flooding through his head, and he was filled with the sickening realization that soon, all he would have left were memories. "I know I haven't been faithful to You," Rick admitted. "And I know it's pretty crappy of me to come back to You now, when things are hard, even though You were here when everything was good. But...I need You now. I need You because I have to be strong for her. I have to be here for her, and I can't do that alone. I can't be here rock if I don't have a rock to lean on. She's always been that, and now she can't be." Tears rose to his blue eyes as he thought of all the hardship they'd gone through together. All the times when the world seemed to be falling apart; the times when it probably woud've if not for her.

"You know her, right?" Castle said. "I mean, that's what they always told me, that You know everyone. So You know Kate, and You know what she's been through. You know how strong she is. You know how fierce and extraordinary she is. So, after everything, why take her like this? Why does she have to suffer this way? Why does she have to die?" Tears streamed down his face.

"It's just not fair," he whispered. "I guess You have a reason, but I don't understand it. I don't know why it has to end this way."

"Maybe God doesn't want you to know yet." Castle turned, finding a blond-haired teenage girl sitting in the pew behind him.

"Sorry if I'm intruding," she said. "I didn't mean to invade your privacy, but I couldn't help overhearing."

"What do you mean, He doesn't want me to know yet?" Castle asked. The blond teenager smiled slightly.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" she asked. Castle shook his head.

"No, please do," he said. She stood up, and Rick watched as the light blue lace dress she was wearing swished around her knees. Her long, wavy blond hair hung to her waist, and her eyes were pale green. She seemed wise and mysterious, qualities that Castle didn't tend to attribute to teenage girls. She came and sat down next to him, smoothing the dress elegantly under her. She took a deep breath and held it in, leaning her head back and closing her eyes with a fluttering of pale lashes. When she opened her eyes and let out the breath, she smiled at him.

"I'm Isabella," she said. "Do you know what my name means?"

"Devoted to God," Castle responded immediately.

"Exactly. Most people don't know that."

"I'm a writer," he explained. "Research."

"Do you have a name, Writer?" Isabella asked.

"Richard. Rick," he replied.

"Powerful ruler," Isabella said. Castle nodded.

"Not feeling that right now," he confessed.

"I could tell. He has a plan, you know."

"Does he?" Rick asked.

"Of course," Isabella said confidently. "Jeremiah 29:11, _'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'_."

"But how does all this fall into the hopeful part?" he asked.

"I don't know," Isabella answered. "No one does. That is the very meaning of the word faith."

"But...why? How does this not harm me? Or her? How does this not harm her?" Castle asked.

"You have to understand that you may never know," Isabella said gently. "God's plans aren't always apparent. Sometimes, God is just God. And God knows more than you, more than me, and more than Kate. God is more powerful than we are, and He sometimescauses things to happen that seem harsh or cruel. But in the end, He always has a plan. He always does, and He will never forsake you. He is going to make this okay for you. As long as you allow Him to, He will guide you through this. You and Kate." Castle regarded her curiously.

"How old are you, Isabella?" he asked. She smiled.

"I'm sixteen," she replied.

"So how is it that you're so certain about all of this?" he wanted to know.

"God is my best friend," she said. "I trust Him the way you trust Kate. If she tells you she's going to do something, you don't doubt that she'll do it, right?"

"Right."

"I'm the same way with God. He says he has a plan to give me a hopeful future? Then I know, no matter what happens in my life, God's planning something good for my future," Isabella said. Castle marveled at her wisdom and faith. For someone so young to be so strong and so sure of herself, while he was over forty and struggling to understand, was astounding.

"What's made you so faithful?" he asked.

"My diease," she answered. "I have multiple sclerosis." Castle stared at her. This gir was dying. She would slowly deteriorate over time and then she would die well before her time. And yet, she was sitting there in that church, smiling serenely, giving him all the advice and guidance that she could, presenting it all to him with utmost constance and not a trace of bitterness.

"Even though you're sick, you're so faithful," he said. "why?"

"Because God gave me MS, and he did so for a reason. He wanted me to be able to minister to people like you, who are lost and need someone like me to show them that the light is still there." Castle smiled at her as Isabella stood.

"Thank you," he said. Isabella smiled back as she slid out of the pew.

"You're welcome. Good luck, and God bless you, Rick."

And then, Isabella was gone.

* * *

><p>Rick let himself back into the loft, and found it quiet. Kate, he discovred, was sleeping. He watched her for a moment, the beautiful features of her face relaxed in her peaceful sleep. He crawled in beside her and she rolled over, looking up at him through sleepy green eyes. He smiled tenderly.<p>

"Hey," she whispered.

"Hey."

"How you doing?" Kate asked. Castle thought about Isabella and smiled.

"I'm good. Better than I imagined I would be. And Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So, I was asked to continue this story, and I decided to do it, even though I only intended for it to be a one-shot. So here you go. Let me know what you think. **

**Love you, mean it. Cassie**

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><p>Isabella found herself thinking often of Rick, praying for he and Kate. She couldn't imagine how hard it must be to watch the slow death of the person you love. Sure, she herself was dying, but that was different. To face your own fate meant to deal with it yourself. It was between you and God. But to face the fate of someone you love, someone you can't imagine your life without...that was different. That was something even Isabella, for all her insight, could not fathom.<p>

About three weeks after she had first met Rick, Isabella found herself in the church again, sitting in the pew, thinking and listening. She had been thinking, again, of Rick and Kate, when the sound of heavy footsteps made her turn. She smiled when she saw that Rick was making his way down the center aisle, and Isabella couldn't help but realize that all too often, God works these things out. She had been praying for Rick, and there he was. He glanced up and smiled slightly when he saw Isabella, but the once-bright smile faded quickly, leaving behind tired features and scared eyes. He joined Isabella in her pew, sitting down with a sigh.

"Hi, Rick," Isabella said after a moment.

"Hi, Isabella," he replied.

"I was just thinking about you," she said. He glanced over at her.

"You were?"

"Yes. And then you showed up. Guess God isn't finished using me to get to you," she said simply. Castle just sighed again.

"How's Kate?" Isabella asked.

"Declining rapidly. She had her first seizure last week, another yesterday," he said. "She can't work, she's starting to have pain when she moves much. She's deteriorating right in front of me." Isabella gave him a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry to hear that," she said.

"I just...I don't know what to do," he said helplessly. "I don't know how to help. I want to, any way I can, but I just don't know what to do." Isabella took a moment to think, to gather her thoughts and ask God for guidance.

"Would you mind if I prayed with you?" she asked. Castle met the teen's eyes.

"I don't mind at all," he answered.

Isabella bowed her head and Castle followed suit.

"Hey God," Isabella began simply, "We lift up our hearts and our minds to you, putting our cares in your hands, Father. I ask you to please protect Kate in these dark days. I ask that you give Rick the courage to find his strength and be the man she needs, Lord. Allow them both to find comfort in your arms, and allow your love to be the light at the end of a dark tunnel. I know this is hard for both of them, and I ask that you be the comfort they need. I ask that you be their shelter, Lord, and give them acceptance of a plan that makes no sense right now. We praise you for your goodness, Father, and we ask that you continue to use us as your hands and feet, allowing us to be your light. In Jesus' name we pray and play, Amen." Castle opened his eyes and felt an overwhelming rush of gratitude toward Isabella.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"No need to thank me, Rick," she said. "I'm not a savior, I'm not a Messiah. I'm not the one you should be thanking. Thank the one I serve. He's the one who deserves the thanks."

And with that, Isabella smiled and stood, gone before Castle even had time to say anything. But, even so, Castle knew in that moment exactly what he had to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is the last chapter of this story, plus there will be an epilogue. I appreciate each and every review, especially on this story, which is very close to my heart. It had been such a risk for me, to merge my personal life and beliefs with the Castle fandom, and the response I got from all of you has been amazing. Thank you so much! Love you, mean it. Cassie**

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><p>"Kate?" Castle murmured, gently running his fingers through Kate's hair. She stirred and looked up at him. It was one of the few good days Kate had been having lately. Yesterday had been awful; she had curled up in his arms and sobbed for hours, she was in so much pain. She hadn't even been able to make it into the kitchen the last few days, and sometimes had to hold onto him to make it to the bathroom. Kate Beckett had always prided herself on her dignity and independence; now, that was being stripped away piece by piece.<p>

"Hmm?" she said. Castle hesitated.

"You know how we talked about, before we got married, what we believe in?" he asked. Kate nodded.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, since you've been sick...I've been going to the church sometimes and talking to God and praying for us, and trying to understand." Kate felt the familiar pull of emotion is her stomach, the sight of her husband struggling with his feelings and words tugging on her heart.

"And, well," he continued, "the first time I went I met this girl. She's sixteen, and her name is Isabella, and she just kind of showed up and asked if she could sit with me. And she told me all these things, about how God always has a plan for everyone and how we don't always understand that plan. And how basically, I have to trust God that what's happening to you is happening for a reason, even though I may never know what that reason is." Kate studied him. He was such a good man, so loving and caring, with her best interests at heart no matter what.

"And I asked her why she's so faithful, and she told me that she has MS, and that she's had to learn to trust that God is using her disease for something good, and sometimes when I go in there, she's there. I've figured it out, she comes every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, and every Saturday morning," Castle continued. "And when she's there, she sits with me and she prays, usually, and she prays for you and for me, and that God will comfort us and guide us." He hesitated, Kate's hand in his a small comfort, the feeling of her thumb brushing his knuckles lightly something he had found himself paying much more attention to recently than he ever had before she was sick.

"What are you getting at, Rick?" Kate asked softly.

"I was wondering-hoping- you would let me...you would be willing to go to the church with me. I know you have trouble moving, and I know you haven't wanted to get out much anymore, but I...I was hoping since you're having a good day, maybe you'd be willing to." Kate smiled slightly. She had never been an exceptionally faithful person. She was never one to believe in the supernatural.

But being married to Rick Castle made it a little hard not to believe in some kind of magic. And she had to admit, she had always thought about it, the existence of God. It had been hard to deny as a teenager, out at her parents' cabin in the woods.

"I will be happy to, Castle," she murmured.

"Really?"

"Of course. I'd be happy to." Castle smiled.

* * *

><p>Kate held Castle's hand as they slowly moved down the center aisle. Rick could see that Isabella was sitting right where he had expected her to be.<p>

"You doing okay?" Rick asked.

"Yes, Rick, just as I was five minutes ago," Kate replied. He could've felt wounded, but he didn't. On her good days, when she could say things like that, when she could almost sound like pre-CJD Kate, he couldn't possibly be wounded by smart-ass comments. Isabella turned and her face lit up. Kate and Rick both smiled as they approached the teen.

"Rick, hey," she said.

"Hey, Isabella. Brought someone to meet you." Isabella turned her bright smile on Kate.

"You must be Kate. I'm Isabella."

"Nice to meet you," Kate replied.

"And you as well," Isabella answered. Kate and Rick both sat down.

"So, may I pray?" Isabella asked. Rick nodded.

"Of course," he said. They all bowed their heads.

"Hey, God," Isabella began. "I want to thank you so much for the blessing of having Rick and Kate here today. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be here with them in your house. I ask that you fill our hearts with your love and give us all the guidance we need to deal with all the struggles we're faced with. I know that you would not give us more that we can handle, Lord. Thank you for all your blessings, for the love in the room, and always in our hearts. In Jesus' name we pray and play, Amen."

"So how are you guys?" Isabella asked.

"It's a good day," Kate replied.

"I see that." There was a moment of silence.

"I'm dying." Rick turned to look at his wife. Kate had never said it aloud before, always skirting around the words themselves. He put his arm around her shoulders, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"So am I," Isabella said.

"Aren't you scared?" Kate asked.

"Sometimes," Isabella admitted. "Are you?"

Kate nodded, looking down at her hand clasped with Rick's.

"Terrified," she replied.

"Kate, do you believe in God?" Isabella asked.

"I...I think so. Being sick, knowing the end is so close, it's hard not to think about it, you know? I kind of have to consider it. I have to think about it. And Rick's been...well, he's been coming here, and reading the Bible when he thinks I'm sleeping." Rick had to chuckle a little at that. CJD had not dimmed Kate's detective skills, apparently. "So, yes, I believe in God."

"Have you prayed?" Kate hesistated.

"No, and while you pray beautifully, Isabella, I...I don't think I can pray out loud," Kate confessed. Isabella smiled.

"You don't have to, Kate," she said. "God will listen no matter what form your prayer comes in." Kate smiled slightly

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>"Rick?" Kate asked quietly.<p>

"Yes?"

"You know I'm going to forget, right?" she asked.

"Forget what?" Kate sighed, burying her face in his neck.

"Everything. I'm going to forget you, Rick, and I don't want to. I don't want you to have to go through that." She was crying now, quite suddenly, and he held her close, intent on reassuring his wife despite the sick feeling her words brought.

"Oh, sweetheart, shh," he said. "It's going to be okay, Kate, I promise you. Everything's going to be okay."

"For me, yeah," she replied. "It's going to hurt, but only for a little while. In a matter of weeks, I'll be dead. That's what I was thinking about at church today. I'll be gone, and I'll be in a better place, but you...you'll be here and having to deal with it all, and I just...I want to know you'll be okay."

"Kate, look at me," he said. She did, raising her eyes to meet his. "I promise I'll be okay. I am going to miss you, alright, don't get me wrong. I am going to miss you so, so much and I do not plan on ever being with anyone again. But I will be okay. I've got all our family, and now, I have God, too. I'll be okay."

"I love you so much," she said.

"I love you, too, Kate," he replied.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you to everyone for your reviews, follows, and favorites! You guys make it all worthwhile, and I could not be more blessed with you all if I tried. You are the best. Love you, mean it. Cassie**

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><p>The church was packed with hundreds of people. Isabella hung back, not wanting to intrude. Not that she would've been noticed among the masses that had come to pay their respects to Katherine Beckett-Castle. Up until she'd seen the article about the death of the detective, Isabella had only known them as Rick and Kate. She hadn't known that he was a millionaire best-selling novelist. She hadn't known Kate was a well-known NYPD Detective. She had merely known them as two struggling people. Two people who needed her guidance, what of it she had to give.<p>

Kate's death, while she had known it was coming, struck Isabella in a much deeper way than she'd expected. Maybe it was that she, herself, was dying, and would slowly deteriorate the way Kate had, if from a different disease. Maybe it was that she knew exactly what Kate had gone through, the moment of discovering that she was dying. Maybe it was Rick. Isabella, upon further reflection, thought the latter idea was most likely the one that held the most resonance. Rick loved his wife, a deep, intimate, true love that Isabella had a sort of respectful fear of. The love that Rick had for Kate was true love, even if it was earthly love. The Father's love was the only love than Isabella truly needed. But even so, she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have a man love her the way Rick loved Kate.

Now, Isabella watched from her spot at the back as Rick rose from his seat, taking several steps to stand behind the podium. He looked out over the people gathered there, and he suddenly seemed to realize how many people were there. He took a second to take that in, looking around at all of them.

"My wife was the most incredible person I have ever met," he began. "She was the kind of person who would fight you on the smallest things, and win every time. She was stubborn and strong and intelligent. She had a way of making people feel comfortable around her, while she could intimidate anyone when she wanted to." He paused. "When we found out that Kate was dying, she made me promise to tell you all some things. She wanted everyone to know that, in the end, she was more than the fight. She wanted me to tell you that Roy Montgomery once told her that, as cops, there are no victories. Only the battle. Kate wanted you to know that she realized in the end that what she had once thought of as a wise thought, wasn't true. Kate learned that there are victories. She wanted me to tell you that she found true victory, the kind that Roy Montgomery wasn't thinking about when he told her that. In the end of her life, Kate found faith. That, to her, became the ultimate victory. It made her, and me, feel better about what was to come for her." He paused again, taking a deep breath.

"I will never not miss Kate. She was the love of my life, and she was this amazing person who could make any day better. She had the ability to make my heart beat faster, make me smile, make every morning worth waking up for. I'm grateful that Kate's illness brought me back here. To this place." He looked around at the stained glass. "I wouldn't trade a day that I spent with the extraordinary person you're all here to pay your respects to. She was truly extraordinary. But as a wise young woman told me once, God has a plan. He always has a plan, one that includes hope. He had a plan for Kate, a plan that allowed her to make a difference. She fought that battle. She fought for the justice in the world, the good triumphing over the evil. She was a symbol of hope to many families, and she was a symbol of hope to me. She was a hero, one who thought of herself as an ordinary person. She was far from ordinary, and if you're here today, chances are you know that. Kate made a difference. God's plan for her was fulfilled. She died having accomplished more than a lot of us can dream of. She was an extraordinary woman who made the world a little bit better."

Isabella swiped tears from her eyes. When she looked up again, it was to meet Rick's eyes. He smiled slightly, inclining his head toward her in a gesture of recognition and acknowledgement. She smiled back at him, crossed herself, and turned to leave.

Her job here was far from finished, but for today, she had accomplished what she came here for.


End file.
